Blog-a-thon Day 18

I did not choose to be the mother of a child with autism. I was chosen.  I then had to learn how to accept, let go,  and rise to the occasion as best I could.

If given the choice to adopt someone like my son Kyle, never having had a child with special needs, I’m  not sure I would have made that choice. Fear, insecurity and selfishness would have probably gotten in my way.

I am always in awe of those who choose to adopt children with special needs. I admire their courage and willingness to decide to step off that cliff into unknown territory. I admire their willingness to make a choice that will affect them for every single day, every single moment of the rest of their lives. I admire them for taking on the challenges and being able to see the gifts brought to us by these kids who need so much support and at the same time, are so full of love.

While I was placed on the high road, people who adopt children with special needs volunteer to place themselves on that road. With a biological child,  love is built in via maternal instinct. With an adopted child, it seems that love becomes a choice.

Meet my friend Pam. In addition to her two biological children, she has  three children with special needs who are adopted. She has a new website dedicated to sharing her experience and perspective, http://mydaughtersvoice.com/ . (Copy & paste. Live link feature still not working.)

Here is a taste of her story.

How It All Began

Posted on August 10, 2010 by mydaughtersvoices

The decision to adopt was an easy one.   The process of adoption was much more difficult.  The bureaucracy, the agencies, the paperwork, the discussions, the classes, the prying into our personal lives, proved to be exhausting.  The final payoff though, was worth every agonizing moment.

Our Social Worker quietly whispered to my husband and I that she would like to see us in her office after the group concluded.  “Could there be a problem,” I wondered?  “Did we get a negative reference?  Was there more paperwork?”  It was too early in the process for her to have a child identified for us.

The class seemed to go on forever and the anticipation was growing stronger.  Finally 9:00 rolled around; we helped her straighten up the room and said good-bye to our fellow classmates.  We met in her office where she pulled out a note, which was tucked under other paperwork on her desk.  “There is this little girl I was wondering if you would be interested in meeting.  She is seven-and-a-half years old, and the victim of horrific abuse, which has left her to function as an infant.  She cannot walk or talk, has a seizure disorder, a shunt, and has had a portion of her brain removed which has left her with right hemiplegia, a form of cerebral palsy.  She is not potty trained.  Did I mention she is also blind?”  She handed us Melissa’s picture.  I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight, but it didn’t take long.

Meeting Melissa changed my life forever.  It was also the beginning of a life I never could have imagined.  I never realized there was a world out there that was so different from that which I was familiar.  It was the real world of the disabled, and it was challenging and rewarding all at the same time.

I am 52 years old, married, and the mother of five children.  Two of those children were born to us, and are older than Melissa.  The other three are adopted and have special needs.  I have learned more from them than I could have imagined.  I learned what it means not to judge others, and I learned what it means to constantly be judged.  I learned empathy and compassion, and to advocate from the bottom of my heart.  I was introduced to physical, occupational, speech, music, feeding, equine, aquatic, and vision therapy.  Acronyms such EIP, IEP, and ISP became part of our regular vocabulary. 

There were bath lifts, car lifts, hoyer lifts, various other lifts, and LIFTING!  Overpriced equipment was necessary just to make life comfortable.  Doctor’s appointments, specialists, surgeries, and rehabilitation were part of this strange new world.  I learned to find resources, to find strength in other people, and to listen and support them in return.  I became familiar with the ADA (the American with Disabilities Act) and challenged it on a couple of occasions (you win some, you lose others).

The rest of the story can be found on  Pam's blog  http://mydaughtersvoices.wordpress.com/ .

Thank you Pam!

 Blog-a-thon Day 17

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;they just make the most of everything that comes  their way. Thebrightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't goforward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches."  Unknown

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee
 
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean?

The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May we all be COFFEE!

Found this story  on Peace on the Mat blog by Jane Gleason   http://www.peaceonthemat.com

Blog-a-thon Day 16

Moments

Timing is everything. Pick your days and you can almost be guaranteed some special moments. Pay attention and the moments are another opportunity to slow down and remember to be grateful.

There were some tough times for Kyle last week with anxiety. We’ve noticed these times are often followed by a gentle grace period. A sea of calm washes over Kyle. He is at peace and without anxiety. Everything comes easier and he can focus better.

We decided last night was an ideal time for suit shopping.  Wedding bells for Rachel and JB are getting closer and closer and Kyle needed a suit and all the accessories to go with it.

Kyle was absolutely amazing at the store. And, so were the two sales people helping us. Neil called earlier in the evening to give them a heads up on the situation. They treated Kyle with utmost respect, talking to him the way they would anyone else. And, they were extremely helpful in every aspect of the shopping experience while being patient and understanding. They even helped us spend more money to get a smokin deal on that suit too. Ha ha...gotta love marketing.

Moments live in the details.

• Kyle walked into the store calmly and did not seem at all scared or stressed (sometimes an issue in new surroundings).
• Neil took charge of the situation. Hurrah. He has grown so much in his confidence and competence in being Kyle’s guide. 
• Kyle was cooperative and patient with everything! Trying on pants, jacket, vest, two pairs of unfamiliar shoes AND having his waist and neck measured. Who is comfortable with having a tape measure put around their neck by a stranger? Kyle was ok with it. Of course, it was just a quickie, but still.
• New shoes of a type he has never had on his foot before? No problem. Walking was easy.
• Kyle was relatively quiet and did not even try to take any surrounding paper to flap (stress reliever). He didn’t seem stressed so I guess he didn’t need a stress reliever. Go Kyle!
• Kyle sat calmly and patiently while Neil tried on a suit and also got fitted. Make hay while the sun shines... and we did.

Maybe we cheated. Kyle was having a relaxed, slow, sleepy day and he went swimming before going to the store and it was late. The odds were definitely in our favor. But hey, as I said, timing is everything so why not optimize where you can.

It was so great to see what Kyle CAN do when his internal obstacles are in low gear. And it was so wonderful to remember how far we all have come from the days when Kyle could barely leave the house.

There is a story in “Breathe” called Moments. Once again, those words come to mind.

“I thought about what brought us to this place in time. There were so many roadblocks and unexpected twists and turns. How did we get here? There was no magic formula; just persistence, I suppose. Believing in more than what we could see. Trusting ourselves, yet also allowing others to teach and help. Growing in our own roles as guides in the school of relationships and life, as Kyle grew as apprentice.

And, watching for those moments.”

Needless to say, my son looked amazing in that dark blue suit. Now he just needs to practice wearing that stylishly skinny (according the the saleslady) red tie. More triumphs, more moments to come.

PS I know, I know, where's the picture? Forgot to bring the camera last night.