We were at our cabin up north this past weekend. The trees were heavy with snow and the whole area looked like a winter wonderland. For some reason everything seems quieter and more peaceful after a heavy snow. I hiked the snowy roads and trails and even got caught in a snowpour walking back home. Toasting myself in front of our wood stove afterwards felt really good. 

Kyle is in a good place right now and was happy and peaceful. He was a bit intimidated by the snow and the uncertainty of walking on it. It's been awhile for him, so other than venturing out on our deck a few times, he was very happy being inside. 

Living in Phoenix, Arizona, I don't have to put up with snow unless I choose. Often people don't realize Arizona gets snowfall but there are many areas of the state which do. Snow is  kind of a treat for us Phoenicians and it's easy to appreciate its beauty when you don't have to shovel it on a regular basis. I'll try not to rub it in too much northerners. 

We had a wonderful weekend. My husband, Neil and I were able to go out and hike TOGETHER twice because we brought our helper, Tammy,  along. Our neighbors down the street let her use their cabin when they are not there. It is a sweet deal for all involved. She can come to "work" when we need her yet we have our private family time when we want and she has her personal time at their cabin. It's one of the perks of her job and a win-win for all of us. 

Walking along the snow covered creek trail, Neil and I were so grateful we were together and not having to hike in shifts as we have done for the last 18 years since we built the cabin. Such a simple pleasure, but for us, it has never been simple. Though Kyle  enjoys hiking, his pace is not our pace. Therefore,  we have always hiked in shifts, sometimes alone and sometimes with our neighbors. 

As we walked and talked about how nice it was to be together, Neil asked why had we not done this years ago. Kyle is 28  now so why had we not thought to hire our "thannie" (therapist/nanny) along time ago? We have had many helpers over the years but never the type of arrangement we have now. I don't know. Why didn't we? Things had to get to a crescendo of severity  before the idea popped into my head. Maybe I finally had to admit I needed more help than I ever thought I would (or should).

Or perhaps the changing seasons of my life are what prompted me get the message. We can't be typical empty nesters, but we have figured out a way to be partial empty nesters. 

Honestly, I wish we had thought to hire someone like this along time ago. We "could" have done so much more together and even more with our girls.  I "should" have thought of it years ago.  Life "would" have been easier.  However, the hindsight of shoulda, coulda, woulda is probably not particularly useful unless  a life rewind button becomes available.

Moving forward and enjoying this season of my life, I'll try to remember everything happens when it's supposed to according to a divine plan.

Today is Kyle's 28th birthday. I almost have to pinch myself to realize this many years have passed since the day my first child was born. It's been such an intense journey with so  many ups and downs, challenges and joys, setbacks and triumphs. I am a much different, much better, much wiser person than I was 28 years ago when I first stepped into parenthood. And I certainly don't feel old enough to have a 28 year old son but aging is all about attitude, right?

There are so many things to be grateful for on this December 2, 2011.

Last night we were out celebrating at one of Kyle's favorites, Outback Steakhouse. As a vegetarian, I try not to begrudge him his meat, especially not on his birthday :-). I always keep the gathering small and limited to those who are truly connected to Kyle. This means the guests vary from year to year depending on who's current in his life.

Kyle was having a particularly fantastic day yesterday and it was probably his calmest, most mindful birthday celebration at a restaurant yet. He truly enjoyed the entire experience. He was able to sit calmly and patiently for a very very long time- over 90 minutes.

It was such a joy to be eating out with Kyle, watching him enjoy himself and participate to the fullest extent possible when just a week ago he was in an anxiety cycle which virtually shut him down. I am so grateful for these reprieves and hope we find a cycle solution soon. But for now, these times are the sweet nectar of his life and are to be treasured.

Eating out is a simple pleasure but has not always been so simple for Kyle. If it wasn't for Kim's dedication and belief in the possibilities, AND years and years of taking him out to eat every week so he could learn how to be at a restaurant, we may not have been sitting around that table last night and definitely not for that long.

Each person around the birthday table plays a special role in his life right now and I am so grateful to have everyone on Kyle's (and my) team. It is nice to know we are not alone. (Missed his sisters and brother-in-law but maybe another year.)

In my life, time has been a healer.  When you have a child with special needs birthdays can be bittersweet. They are a time for celebration yet a time when you may be painfully aware that your child lags behind peers of the same age. When Kyle was much younger, birthdays  were tinged with sadness. Somewhere in my growing and acceptance process, I have found peace with Kyle as he is and no longer mourn for the son I expected. It is much nicer to celebrate this way and easier  to feel grateful for all the little things. And for Kyle, I'm sure it is nice to be loved for exactly who he is. 

The great thing about celebrating the day before a birthday is there is still another day of birthday left. Guess I better get on it!

PS In honor of my son Kyle, I am running a smokin deal on my books "It's All About Attitude" and "Breathe". Order one book, and get a second book FREE!   FREE?!? Yup, no kidding. I'm a happy mom today. 

How? Order on AutismWithAttitude.com and write the title of the freebie in the comments section on the order form. They make fantastic holiday gifts, ya know.

I belong to an online writing club. It's all about writing just for fun, simply to experience the joy of allowing the creative juices to flow. We permit ourselves to post first drafts and crappy writing. It's  a place to feel safe to express without editing. It is liberating to let the words spill on to the page. I'm trying to loosen up and be lighter and sillier, though it doesn't often work out that way. 

Twice a week we receive a prompt with which we are free to fly in whatever direction we desire. Yesterday, Kyle wanted to be in the car so we went for a drive, parked near the desert, and I stole some writing time while he listened to music. 

Negative, positive, undecided

Here, there, everywhere

So many ways to see a situation

I see it this way

I see it that way

What is the right way?

Oh yeah, there is no right

Just negative, positive, undecided

Am I allowed to be undecided

Yes, maybe for a few minutes you are

That is positive

Or is it negative?

Can I vote undecided?

Negative, positive, undecided

I hear the lyrics to a new song

I don't need to decide when I'm singin the negative, positive, undecided blues opera... LA LA LA!!!!

Round and round in my head the thoughts

They keep me up at night

Negative, positive, undecided

What serves me right now?

What feels right?

Negative, positive, undecided

Always a choice

A choice?

Yup

I'd say THAT'S positive!